From the Archives Part II

First off, Merry Christmas.

It is odd how different Christmas Eve feels as I get older and have no children to watch in my family during this time of year. It is still a joyful time spent with family, but it lacks a bit of imagination and excitement that kids provide to this time of year.

Every year on this day I think of this day last year. And I feel that time has robbed me. I somehow feel like I have been warped into this postion of being alive on Christmas Day again, another year older, and it happened in a blink of the eye. I can barely remember what took place in the 365 days in between. Until I really start to think about it, and then I realize a whole bunch.

This piece of old writing is something I wrote during the middle of this year, and reminds me of what has happened for me personally this year. I felt at a complete loss still working for Disney and at a loss for how I defined myself. I got hired by Roadtrip Nation a month later and hit the road 3 months later. And though that didn't solve ALL my problems (as it should not have), it did allow me to grow closer to finding out who I am. It was that long trip I was yearning for at the time, and it was exactly what I needed. It taught me to be a little less worried about that search for self and to make life more about the experience, to make myself driven o experience, and to know myself through my experiences. Not through who I want to be, who others think I am, how I want others to perceive me, but from what I know I am right now.

June 23, 2007

I have reached a point in my life where I realized that all I have been doing is searching for the last two years for who i want to be and what i want to do.
yet no answer has come to me. nor have i been able to find the answers.
weather it is fate or hard work that will reveal my life...i don't know.
because i have no idea what i believe, what i know, what i want. i feel as if i have lost my soul. or perhaps i have never had one at all.

i have wanted to reach my goals, i have wanted to do right, i wanted to do well, i have wanted to be liked, i always want to eventually be happy.
but my goals have no real purpose other than they are what i thought i should do.
i do right because i am afraid of what will happen if i do wrong. and doing right is what good people do.
i do well because it is what is expected. i do well because when people approve i feel alright.
i want to be liked because that is how i measure my success.
and being happy is easy and carefree...like a child.

this is all despicable. this is all without a good reason. a good philosophy. a well thought out purpose.

i need enlightenment and i need it now. i need to search...but not obsessively. i just need to escape and feel free to explore the possibilities without the pressures of the outside world. i need to go away. i need a long trip on a train. or a long hike in the forest. alone. selfishly.

i need to know what is right is right and why. i want to not worry about others approval, but i want to also be able to keep others in my thoughts. i need to know who i am and what purpose i want to serve. i need to know who i am.
because if i live any other way i will be failing. i will be soulless. and to me...that is the saddest of all things. to not understand ones own soul.

On the lighter side of things, enjoy these e-cards my co-worker shared with all of us at work the other day. They are a hoot! That's right...a fuckin' hoot: www.someecards.com