Old Thoughts

This blog is an installment that I may or may not implement (just like obsessions), of older pieces that were written before the existence of my blog. I particularly remember writing this piece for my myspace during a time in my life where everything seemed uncertain, where I felt as if I had no foundation for who I was and what I was thinking, experiencing, or feeling as an individual. It was the beginning of my self discovery, which from that point on will never end. I still heavily identify with these problems of my own articulation :

July 2005

My mind is restless tonight. I am having a hard time finding sleep, I am having a hard time stopping my mind. I have scratched my head until I have made it bleed (a bad nervous habit I have). Nothing is wrong, I just can't sleep. So I thought I would type out some thoughts here so I can get some rest.

I was thinking about the limits of language and thoughts, and the ways in which this relates to how we put together our personal beliefs and ideologies. I was reflecting on the fact that I am only intellectually capable of thinking certain thoughts, but I am almost always incapable of articulating them verbally (and written somtimes). I don't know what limits my mind. I am completely capable of verbally bullshitting most of the time. Talking about nothing, talking about pointless chatter is easy, very natural. What causes this? What makes people capable of gabbing on and on about nothing, but incapable of talking about something with substance? Is it because we are constantly surrounded by vocabulary of conversations that lack meaning, the television, commericals, daily gossip and banter? Or are we simply not equiped with enough knowledge to support our thoughts yet?

I hate when I am listening to an interesting conversation, I want to respond, I am having a reply in my head all ready, and my mind goes blank of English vocabulary to use and respond with. My mind is simply a bunch of fragmented thoughts, and I haven't the discourse to say what I am thinking sometimes. Having the discourse is what separates those from the majority. I guess I exist in the majority. I guess I am hoping one day I can surpass that.

I realized the only way I can piece together my fragmented thoughts on anything; love, loss, ache, happiness, politics, sadness, fear, etc... is through already established thoughts from someone else. Which is plagarism to some extent. But it is what I am capable of doing at this point. I quote movies, I quote music, I quote books, I quote my professors, I quote intellectuals of the past. I pick and choose my quotes hoping someone can gather an ideology from this. This is why I think I love music so much, I can pick up on similar thoughts that i am having, by someone who has the got the discourse to do so. And in such beautiful tunes that exaggerate the meaning. I find there are certain CD's I return to when I am in a contemplating state. All of Wilco's, Death Cab's (laugh if you will), Sufjan Stevens, The Red House Painters, Elliott Smith, Bright Eyes, Ben Folds, and Badly Drawn Boy. I just sit there listening to words that I have thought, loving the fact that I am hearing songs that reconfirm feelings that I feel but don't yet have the grace or maturity to verbalize.

In 1984, Wiston states "The best books, he percieved, are the ones that tell you what you know already." I think he is somewhat confirming what i am feeling tonight. Although, this is not always truth.

Of course, relying on others thoughts to verbalize my thoughts will become unsuccessful in the end. Rather than unsuccessful, unsatisfying. I must overcome this, I must grow out of this. I need to work on articulating myself. It is something of a struggle.I am not too embarrassed to admit. Vocabulary has never been a strong point of mine. But one day, I will have the words. They will come. I hope.

I hope you have found your voice, or want to, or are going to one day.

Ok, maybe I can go to bed now. I am sure you are snoring already.

I appologize if this makes no sense. Or if you understand what I am saying, go ahead and speak up. Id like to hear.